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Random thoughts of a webmistress, mother, wife, and... |
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 Webrings  MB's I haunt... My Web Pages... |
Wednesday, October 18, 2000 Deep Breath....hold it...exhale...Much better! Did the gym thing (weights only - no cardio, but hey, I went!) and had a pretty decent work out. Jeff was working out - and it's always affirming to me that the person who tells me what I should do practices what he preaches. Came home and fixed my old standby after an evening workout: 2 whole eggs plus 3 egg whites - scrambled w/ cheese and now, am perusing my FAVORITE Aromatherapy book - and I'm hoping I have everything I need for a "Peaceful Sleep Bath" (to ease night sweats and promote sleep): I know I have Lavendar and Lime - but do I have Marjoram? Hmmm...well, off to find out. Have a good night, all :-) Peaceful Sleep to all... Wow! Sorry I was so bitchy! Maybe after lifting some weights and stuff, I'll feel better. Yeah. That's what I'll do.....and thanks for listening to me whine :-)WARNING! Bitchin Ahead...How can you love someone but be so freaking mad at them you could spit? I'd love to just strangle my husband right now. background info...I've had a hell of a time the last few months, and my self esteem is at an all-time low. I was already feeling pretty poopy when I went home for lunch. I didn't get to go to the gym yesterday, because Mark had court, and I was stuck with taking both kids (time issue - if he has to leave the house before 7 AM, I simply can't go to the gym at 5 AM - not 'nuff time). Today, I simply could not get up - even after going to bed before 9:30 last night, I was soooo tired this morning. I haven't been feeling that great (remember - lots of OJ?). So, I get dressed this morning, and guess what? My very favorite suit will button, but looks like shit - way too tight. So I have to change...MAJOR depressing moment... at lunch...(for those who don't know, I go home and have lunch with my hubby most days) I don't remember exactly what started it, but Mark suddenly said "I'm not buying you clothes for Christmas". I said, I know. "Since the hormone thing is still out of whack, we had discussed me getting more back to normal around Christmas / first of the year." "Well, it would be a waste of money to buy you anything that fit now, and then won't fit later." "I KNOW that." "Well, don't bitch about your clothes not fitting and stuff. You didn't go to the gym today." "I was just exhausted. I couldn't do it this morning" "Well, if you would go to the gym, you wouldn't be so tired. And maybe your clothes would fit better." I didn't / couldn't respond after that. I just got up, went to the bathroom. Decided to get things together for the gym tonight since I didn't go this morning. Sat back down, and chatted briefly about non-important things. When it came time for me to leave, he asked why I was taking my gym bag. "Well, if Emily doesn't have too much homework, and I'm feeling better, then I'm going to go to the gym. But if Em has homework, I can't." He looked at me strangely. "Well, are you going to Yoga?" (see, I ended up giving up the Yoga class earlier this year because it was too hard on the kids - by the time we got home it was late, etc. etc.) "NO, I need to do my weights tonight and some cardio. I will have to work on my body, not my head and flexibility" "Well, isn't that what you need?" (meaning, you need to work on your head) "Well, that will just have to wait 'cause I need to be able to get this fat butt into some clothes". "You need both" He was shaking his head, as if he didn't understand, as I drove off. Know what? He probably doesn't understand...I remember discussing with some friends about the fact that men and women simply think differently. When you want to bitch and moan about something, a girlfriend knows just the right things to say. A man wants to fix it. Mark doesn't understand because he thinks I should do that same as him: no matter how you feel, go to the gym anyway. But for me, it's not realisitic. Though he is a great dad, and spends more time with our kids then most men, I still bear the brunt of child care. He gets the ready in the morning (6:30 AM to 7:30 AM) and takes Katie to daycare, but I take Emily to school, pick both kids up in the evening, feed them, bet them bathed, do homework, get them to bed (5:30 PM to 10:00PM). I don't HAVE the opportunity to focus as much time on myself as Mark does. Please dont' get me wrong...I'm so proud of Mark for what he's been able to do. I just wish he would be more understanding of what I'm having to do. I'm at the end, finally...last shot was last week, about 5 more weeks to go to feeling more normal... Mark also does tons of things around the house - laundry, dishes, etc. I just can't get him to understand that there are many days he just has it easier. I have until 6:30 AM in the morning to myself. When I'm 100%, I get up at 4 AM, hit e-mail, go to the gym, get ready, etc. At 6:30 AM, my responsibilities kick in - when I'm at the gym, I have to call and wake the family up. So, as far as "self" time, I get what I get. Evenings is next to impossible to get any true self-focus time, I try, but am only able to sneak moments in - Mark has from 7:30 AM to 2:30 PM for his "self-focus" time. During that time he DOES fix lunch for me, but he drops Katie off at 7:30, and doesn't have to be at work until 3:00. Maybe if I had the time for 3 hours a day at the gym, instead of half that time, I COULD get there every day, and still work out on those rougher days. Or maybe he IS right?...Maybe I just need to stop feeling so sorry for myself and just DO something about it. (okay - self pep talk: GO! go! GO to the gym!!! Be more selfish with your time! Tell yourself you are NOT tired!) Sorry for whining, but I just had to get it outta my system...thank goodness today is archive night :-) Hmmm....Campbell Soup has a recipe contest. Wonder if I should enter? I have two really kick ass recipes that use soup as a base....wiggling eyebrows....I think I will... Need a giggle?White Cheerleader Epiphanies! You'll have to click on the little lightbulbs :-) Enjoy! Hump Day!!Hooray! It's Wednesday! This has been such a lllllllllooooooooonnnnnngggggg week so far! I'm so glad that Wednesday is here - means we are closer to Friday. I'm a firm believer in the power of Vitamin C, by the way. I bought orange juice last night on the way home (also bought some Ruby Red Grapefruit Juice...yum!) and have been downing it in hopes this little cold I'm feeling will be driven away. Drink up! Tuesday, October 17, 2000 BIG Thanks to you, Beth!I finally went to THIS site that you mentioned and I LOVE it! Kinda reminds me of an MSC thang. And Yes, Charmed was one of the shows there. Mmmmm...good...(singing) MMMMM.....good.....mmmmmm....good....that's what Campbell's soups are....MMMmm..mmmmm....good... Any guess what we're having for dinner? Wanna see my silverware?Somehow some of my spoons have gone missing, so I need new ones. This is what they look like... Cranky...Actually, I'm beyond cranky today. I'm just in a foul bitchy mood. My kids wouldn't cooperate with getting out of the house this morning, and some stupid woman PARKED in the fire lane at the day care, effectively blocking the drive. And people at work are whiney. BIG RASPBERRIES....pppppppttttttttttttttt Oh, and off topic of my rant, but did you know today is a special Gold Card Day? One of those special snuck in, not scheduled days.... Monday, October 16, 2000 No progress...To anyone checking here to see if I plan on updating The Other Side tonight. The answer? No. I simply cannot focus on anything...SORRY!! I must sleep. But there is one thing: For the gentleman who said I could eat cookies in his bed, this will have to do for now ;-p Oh, KEWL! What great mail I got today!!! A kewl kewl magnet from the Hudson River Valley from Chris. The girls got some coloring books. Wasn't that nice? I got stuff from convention even though I didn't get to go! Chris did the Aura test as well and came out as saphire: "You're also deeply spiritual and introspective. Matters of the heart, mind, and soul are important to you, and your waters run as deep as the ocean. Nurturing by nature, you're likely a loving, supportive caretaker. That's why friends, family, and co-workers adore you. They know you're a good listener and always have great advice and a shoulder for them to cry on. " I would say that those tests, at least the aura ones, are really right on. I really have to say that I've been so very fortunate in my internet relationships. Of all of the people I have met on-line (mostly through the Trixie Belden community), there has been only one major wacko. Everyone else has their own level of nuttiness, but nothing out of the norm ;-p We're home...and the first thing the kids do is turn the TV on so that they can catch Wishbone and then Zaboomafoo The first love, the other, I can hardly stomach. The song is just too damned irritating...and it runs through my head for hours afterwards... Dilly dallying - and feeling guilty...I need to update The Other Side. Truly I do. I have new chapters from Angie, Paula and a new author named Kyrie. There is also new art, including a FAB sketch from my dear friend DQ. But here I am, procrastinating in a way. Not really. These are some great things. I've just had crappy things like WORK on my mind. Hopefully I can get to it tonight.... Want some attention?Wear one of these Tattoo Bandages - Disney Princesses to work. I scratched something on my arm this morning, and the only bandaid things I had were these. At least 5 people commented... One of those days...Have you ever had one of those days where you don't really do anything out of the ordinary? But you this moment, this crystal clear realization that you have a pretty damned good life? Yesterday, we finally got some much needed rain. (I can hear more thunder as I type) We had eaten a late lunch, so at 6:30, I was just comtemplating cooking dinner - and the electricity went out. (ummm...we have an all electric house) We lit candles, the kids whined, Mark decided it a was a good opportunity to take a nap :-) When the electricty popped back on, I decided it was too late to cook, so we had a mixed night - Em had a can of soup w/ a sandwich, Katie her favorite "frozen dinner". Mark and I ate warmed over pizza from Friday night. And we sat around the kitchen table, just laughing and joking and teasing and debating which was better: zingers or twinkies. And I realized I am damned lucky... Sunday, October 15, 2000 My dear hubby...Got Mark to do some of the personality profile things :-) What color is Mark's Aura?...GoldYou couldn't ask for a better color — a glistening gold aura is as good as it gets. A lively blend of yellow and orange, gold people are happy, playful, energetic, sensitive, and generous. Always up for adventure, you'd give a friend in need the shirt off your back. You're spiritual, too — all those halos in old paintings aren't colored gold by coincidence. Almost childlike in the carefree, joyful way you live your life, you're popular and outgoing with your large circle of friends. Chances are you're so full of light and energy that you sometimes find it hard to sit still and chill out. Instead, you're constantly looking for excitement, no matter how risky or impulsive the occasion. Happy-go-lucky and always laughing, you truly are as good as gold. And his flavor? He's...Mmm ... licorice! Strong and edgy, you're the flavor of black jellybeans and Good 'n' Plentys. Some people absolutely love you (in fact, they might even find you addictive), but you're definitely not for everyone. But that's okay with you — you'd rather pick and choose your companions. When you have time for friends at all, that is. Powerful and very potent, you're goal-oriented and ambitious — you don't let much stand in your way. There's nothing sweet or sugary about you; you're a serious taste that's best suited for the truly focused. Lingering, enigmatic, and a little hard to pin down, you're a truly tantalizing treat.And a dog? Well it says he's a Cocker Spaniel....No bones about it, you're a perky, loving Cocker Spaniel. (Think Lady from Lady and the Tramp.) Playful and energetic, you're a real people person — er, dog. People can't help but fall hook, line, and sinker for your friendly, well-rounded personality and natural charm. It's a subtle thing, though — being outgoing and flirtatious, not showy, is the name of your game. Friends, co-workers, and potential dates can't help liking you. How could they not? Your winning-yet-humble ways make you popular, admired, and a joy to be around. Woof! His reaction? I'm not a fucking cocker spaniel. What a wussy dog! I'm something more manly, like a German Shepherd or something.... LOLOLOLOL He agreed with the other two. I agree with all three :-) Saturday, October 14, 2000 More Tests...The Pooh-senality Test: It says I am like: Rabbit. Pernickety and Precise. That I'm a fuss pot, but my friends love me anyway 'cause they know I care.... And if I get bored with my job title of Executive Assistant, I could use the title: Exalted Alpha Herder Discover Your Past Life Hmmm...It seems I was a Leopard Named Lola. Not much is certain in life — past or present — but we know this much about you: In your last life you were a sultry leopard named Lola. You were a showgirl, with yellow feathers in your hair and a dress cut down to there. You would meringue and do the cha-cha. And one night at the Copacabana (the hottest spot north of Havana), you fell in love with Tony, the handsome bartender. Tony fought Rico (he wore a diamond) for you and won. The two of you grew old and happy together, joyfully dancing your lives away at the club to the soulful tunes of Barry Manilow. Hmmm...Check those out and e-mail me or post on the board... More later... Friday, October 13, 2000 Pizza, Beer and Hot Flashes...Well, we finally settled on Pizza - just got a 1/2 pepperoni and half hamburger. So I had greasy pizza and a light beer. Actually, the beer was really good: a Kirin Light - which is an import Japanese Beer. Yummmm. And hot flashes. The girls and I piled into the living room and watched Parent Trap (the new one), ate our pizza. And I alternated between being cool to burning up and sweating. Hot flashes are kinda weird. You are hot on the inside - and feel it burning to the outside. Drinking cold water helps a bit as does fanning...but it doesn't fix it. Something to point out to anyone about to undergo treatment with Lupron: don't let the doctor make you think you don't know your own body. My doctor assured me that I wouldn't be able to tell a difference when I got each shot - but I can tell. I have a really blue / bitchy kind of week the week my shot is due - and get all weepy / bitchy / blue the week after my shot. Though my focus abilities have gone WAY down, I'm finding that I've learned something about myself. Small focuses inward put me in tune with my body. Just wish I could get my brain to cooperate and make my body tune to it :-) What's for dinner?It's 7:20 PM. Do you know what's for dinner yet? Not I! After work, the girls and I walked to the neighbors for a little visit - I'm online now, Em is reading a book and Katie is playing Barbies. None of us know what we want - can't agree on Pizza topping (pepperoni or hamburger) so that option's out. And I don't wanna cook... Excuse me while I scrounge.... What a difference a day makes...Feeling better this morning. See? The ups and downs :-) Likely it helps that I was up when Mark got home last night, so I got to see him, talk, play... Gotta run - kids need to get up and going for school, and my hair is still wet from my shower... Thursday, October 12, 2000 oh, and I hope no one takes offense at my whining about feeling fat. All of us are comfortable at different weights. I have a dear friend that is happy at a size 14; it's where she feels good in her own skin. I had finally gotten comfortable in my skin. I fought hard for almost 2 years to get to that point. And this six months of treatment has made that go to hell.... Get to a point in your life where YOU are happy with what's inside your skin. I'm still fighting to get back to that point...Been there a couple of times, and hope that sometime soon I will be back. Oh, and do you have Whole Foods Market near you? It had organic food, bulk foods, alternative treatment type stuff, etc. I like the store alot, but I just don't get there very often - it takes a good 25 to 30 minutes to get there, as it is in North Arlington (remember, I tend to live my life in that little 15 mile stretch). Since I was up that way, I figured I may as well drop in. They have a really cool bulk food asile. I usually buy my sea salt there (I make my own bath salts) and they have oats, granola, nuts, etc. Today's purchases? Sea Salt. Dry Roasted Cashews. Roasted Soy Nuts. An organic Gala Apple (an apple - as in one, just for me). And a loaf of organic Sourdough Bread. Oh! and of course the vain stuff. Zia Natural brand stuff - all based on natural ingreients, and NOT tested on animals. It's also where I got the bulk of my Aromatherapy supplies. I've been so scattered that I haven't even done much in that area of my life. I believe in it. I KNOW it works. But so many things seem to come ahead of taking care of my own needs. Maybe I need to pull out my trusty book, and look up something for: self esteem, focus, tension... More Vain ConfessionsYes, I went to Whole Food Markets today, and I really did buy some "Ultimate Exfoliant" and "Ultimate Eye Cream". Also bought some"Essential Eye Gel" that is supposed to "Smooth File Lines, Fight Free-Radical Damage, Reduce Puffiness and Refresh Tired Eyes". I wil confess that it was the Reduce Puffiness and Refresh Tired Eyes that sold me on it ;-p Feeling indigo...::::sigh:::::: God, is life a roller coaster. I got next to NOTHING done at work today, as I had to go and re-schedule the company anniversary party. Not that it matters, but I had it scheduled back in March or April and now, just weeks before the party, they've asked that I CHANGE the date.... So, I traipse up to North Arlington, meet with the FAB catering lady. Look at another room. Agree to change the date. Now, hopefully NO ONE will bitch about the change ;-0 I'm also feeling very fat tonight. The weight gain has been hard, but I still blame myself for not having the drive to keep it off. I shouldn't have given into my stress, and eaten crap. I should have made myself get up out of bed and hit the gym those days I slept in. I had finally broken the 140 barrier. In late April I dropped down to 138 lbs. Do you realize how long it's been since I was that small? 10 years. The scariest part? I've broken the 150 barrier. I haven't been above 150 since December 98. Now? 153 lbs. The hardest part, though? Basically, it's self esteem. I had finally become happy with my body. Not complacent kind of thing. But happy that I'm me. Happy to be in my own skin. I was lean (23% body fat) and I had great muscles. And I fit into a size 8. Now? I hate my body. I can hardly fit into a 10. My belly is just HUGE (ok, so I've had 2 kids, 1 by C-Section, and my tummy will never be flat, but now, it's not even CLOSE to being flat). Doesn't that just suck? That our (or should I say my) self esteem is so driven by our looks? Am I the only woman that way? That a bad hair day makes me kind of sky blue, and this weight thing turns me a deep indigo? And that these zits make me buy things like "Ultimate Exfoliant" and "Ultimate Eye Cream". ::::sigh:::: Oh! I've archived again. And I've updated this blog with a bit of a different look. Think I'll go back and forth between this look and the other. AND, just an FYI for people that stop by here: I'm always open for e-mail about what I post. (((hugs))) Don't know where to startMorning all. I just returned from my doctor's office today. Got shot number 6. Yep. Final shot. My emotions are on a major roller coaster. I'm thrilled it's over. But yet, I know it is still not completely over. This shot will take anywhere from six weeks to three months to "wear off". I had to apologize to my doctor's office manager today. Well, I didn't HAVE to, but I felt I needed to. My last appointment, I went "off" on her, telling her how "fucking ridiculous" it was that I had to wait an hour for a shot. She forgave me, though, and said she understood. But I cried. I'm so damned emotional right now. We also discussed the fact that the doc has no true idea what this medication does to women. I'm thinking of writing him a letter, finishing up my web page, and suggesting he send woment there. I know I certainly feltI was the ONLY person going through this - but, logically, I know that there are many. Don't have to go back to see the doc now til May. That gives me 6 months to lose this 11+ pounds, drop my body fat percent back down, etd. Oh, guess I'd have to make it to the gym to do that, huh? Update on Adoption StuffI talked with a friend last night who didn't realize I was adopted. It's never been a big deal with me. Just a fact about "who I am". I've never longed for a relationship with my birth mother, as I know she did what she had to do. It was 1968. She was 16 years old. She was not married. I understand that. I love my parents. They provided a great life for me. I know that being adopted is just part of my life. It's not that I'm searching for a person to have a relationship with. I HAVE a mother. Why search then? Well, curiosity is one thing. What does she look like? Do I have any 1/2 brothers and sisters? Information is another. I have NO medical history. Now, genetic medical info is VERY important. Diabetes? Cancer? Heart Disease? Depression? What info can I give my girls? I got an e-mail from a lady the day after I registered. She was not my birth mother, but an adoptive mother, looking for her adopted son's sibling. I fit part of the profile: Born in Ft. Worth, Texas in 1968 and adopted through the Volunteers of America. What I know about my birth mother, though, does NOT fit with her son's birth mother. His birth mother was in her 20's - mine was 16. She was able to tell me this: my birth mother's name last name started with an "A" or "B". She also gave me an e-group to contact as well as one of their top researchers. I await a reply. So. Curiosity. Information. It really got me to pondering today, while I was driving to the doctor, waiting, driving to work: how much of WHO we are is genetics? And how much is environment? I see so much of myself in both of my kids - and also see part of my husband. It's easy to see where they get their looks. Where they get their intelligence. But is how they use that intelligence genetic or environment? I wonder the same about myself... |
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This blog...Sometimes I...and all associated pages (except the graphics of course)...are the © of DSmouse. All Rights reserved... |
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